Washington, DC – The National Governors Association has announced a voluntary product safety recall of sixteen governors, due to a structural design problem that could pose an immediate safety risk to consumers.
“We didn’t know, when we made these governors available to the public, how truly dangerous they were,” said an NGA representative who requested anonymity because he feared swift and remorseless retaliation from one of the defective governors. “In most cases, they seemed like fully functioning human beings. But now it appears that many of them avoided routine safety checks or managed to buy off safety regulators.”
In Pennsylvania, defective governor Tom Corbett has recently barred safety inspectors from issuing citations of his office for safety violations, following on his Department of Environmental Protection’s unprecedented demand that environmental inspectors in Pennsylvania stop issuing violations against natural gas drillers without prior approval from the DEP. In Wisconsin, defective governor Scott Walker has issued demands for the email records of everyone who has typed the words Scott Walker, recall, collective bargaining, AFSCME, WEAC, rally, union, Alberta Darling, Randy Hopper, Dan Kapanke, Rob Cowles, Scott Fitzgerald, Sheila Harsdorf, Luther Olsen, Glenn Grothman, Mary Lazich, Jeff Fitzgerald, Marty Beil, Mary Bell, Rachel Maddow, or fruit bats since January 1 of this year. And in Florida, defective governor Rick Scott has eliminated an anti-fraud database that would track the fraudulent dealings of defective governor Rick Scott, following on his attempt to kill an anti-fraud database that would track the fraudulent distribution of addictive prescription drugs in Florida.
“These guys are clearly a menace to society,” said consumer watchdogs Albert and Allen Hughes.
But according to the National Governors Association, the problem has spread beyond the initial “bad batch” of gubernatorial products recently purchased by unwary consumers. “It’s not just the new crop, almost all of whom contain toxic and potentially lethal levels of wingnuttery,” said an industry spokesman. “It’s a public hazard of almost epic proportions. You’ve got governors like Bobby Jindal making fun of early-detection systems for natural disasters. You’ve got Jan Brewer’s crew looking for anyone who speaks with a funny accent. You’ve got Haley Barbour reminiscing fondly about the white-supremacist Citizens Councils. So it’s not just a question of a few bad eggs like Alabama’s Robert Bentley refusing to acknowledge non-Christians as his ‘brothers and sisters.’ It’s grounds for a total recall.”
Even some conservative voters have begun to express “buyer’s remorse.” “I liked this brand of governor because they yell at teachers, so I bought a whole case of ‘em,” said Roger Waters, an unemployed man from upstate. “I hated the way teachers were always telling me to read and think and stop hitting people and stuff. But then I find out that they’re killing train lines and cutting off my unemployment checks. I asked one of them about creating jobs, and he said something about seceding from the federal government. I asked another one about all the crumbling bridges and tunnels in the state and he said ‘abortion abortion abortion abortion.’ I don’t get it.”
The recalled governors are Haley Barbour (Mississippi), Robert Bentley (Alabama), Jan Brewer (Arizona), Sam Brownback (Kansas), Chris Christie (New Jersey), Tom Corbett (Pennsylvania), Mitch Daniels (Indiana), Nathan Deal (Georgia), Dennis Daugaard (South Dakota), Nikki Haley (South Carolina), Bobby Jindal (Lousiana), John Kasich (Ohio), Rick Perry (Texas), Rick Scott (Florida), Rick Snyder (Michigan), and Scott Walker (Wisconsin). Jerry Brown (California) and Andrew Cuomo (New York) are also being monitored for public safety violations, though consumer advocates warn that their potential replacement governors may give off deadly noxious fumes. “Don’t forget what happened last time we issued a recall in one of those places,” said Anthony Kiedis of the Institute for Advanced Californication. “They wound up with some guy who went through nightclubs and malls shooting people. Even when they tried to blow up his oil truck and crush him in a drill press, they couldn’t get rid of him. So you take your chances.”
The National Governors Association has issued a warning that continued prolonged exposure to defective governors may cause severe corrosion of public works and irreparable damage to the social fabric. If your body politic comes into contact with any of the recalled governors, wash thoroughly with soap and water to prevent toxic effects such as rashes, burns, abrasions, lacerations, boils, and excessive bleeding. Reported side effects include loss of workplace protections, civil liberties, reproductive rights, drinkable water, health coverage, pensions, hair, memory, and eyesight.