Healthcare Reform Explained

Alter Reiss explains the healthcare bill that just passed in the US:

Some myths about the current healthcare bill explained.
There’s been a lot of talk about this lately, so I figured that I’d clear up a few common misconceptions people seem to have about the recently passed Health Care Reform bill.

Myth 1:
With the passage of HCR, bears will be allowed to roam hospitals, devouring those patients too sick to hide or flee.

Status: FALSE
The ursine provisions of the health care bill remain controversial with the AMA and other organizations, but, basically, all they do is recognize that in some rural areas, particularly in the Dakotas and Alaska, bears have been acting as health care professionals for decades, and puts them into the category of other alternative health professionals, such as acupuncturists, osteopaths, and killer bees. Bear attacks may be available under some health plans, but those treatments are entirely at the discretion of the insurers.

Myth 2:
MRIs are once again to be termed “Nuclear Magnetic Resonance Images”, and once again, a small percentage of those undergoing this procedure will gain super-powers that will allow them to perform great feats, at a cost to their humanity.

Status: FALSE
While this provision was included in earlier versions of the bill, it was dropped in the face of a strong opposition by Senator Keene and others.

Myth 3:

Status: That’s not a myth, that’s a bunch of words, some of which are misspelled.

Myth 4:
A provision of the HCR bill calls to the Lord Above, to send down a dove, with beak as sharp as razors, to cut the throats of them there blokes, what sells bad beer to sailors.

Status: Partially true.
While this language does exist in the current version of the bill, it is unlikely to stand judicial scrutiny, as it will probably be seen as a violation of the separation of church and state. However, this is merely echoing faith-based programs enacted by individual states. The dove attacks on campus area bars selling Rolling Rock to University of West Florida Argonauts, for instance, can only be applauded, as Rolling Rock is swill.

Myth 5:
In order to pay for the mandates of this bill, President Obama has traded the treasury of the United States for a handful of magic beans.

Status: FALSE
Only one government-owned cow was traded for these beans, which have already more than earned back the initial investment. Also, since the treasury of the US currently contains less than negative fourteen trillion dollars, wouldn’t you want to trade it, for just about anything?

Myth 6:
The HCR bill will allow communists control of our vital bodily fluids.

Status: TRUE
Yeah, this one is totally real. But, to be fair, there aren’t that many communists left, and those that there are don’t actually want that many bags full of lymph and phlegm.

For the humor impaired, this is sarcasm.